It was dinner time, and the last thing I wanted to do was order a #7. This is strange for me, because (as my wife can attest) I generally don't have a problem eating the same thing over and over again. When I used to work downtown I would pack my lunches every day - and it was the same thing, without fail: microwave burrito and a Cup-O-Soup. Since the burritos came in a "variety box" of three different flavors, and you could generally get about the same number of different Cup-O-Soups, I guess I wasn't technically eating the same thing every day. To be exact, there are nine different permutations of that particular meal.
Anyhow, like I said... it was only day two, and I was already (possibly) burnt out on #7s, as I'd eaten the previous night's leftovers for lunch. Is it too late now to make this all go away? I needed to steel my nerves and press on, no matter what - as it now appears I'd scored somewhere upwards of ten readers - and I'm generally not one to disappoint. I needed something close... a no-brainer... and then I had a flashback of what John had said the night before about the #7 at Mai Wah. That was my third flashback of the day, but the other two didn't have much to do with Chinese food.
I whipped out my unit (blackberry) and dialed up the digits for 411, then before you knew it I was on my way to Mai Wah to pick up my #7. That's how I roll sometimes. Bad ass.
A few scant seconds after I snapped this pic (thank you blackberry) I noticed a kindly looking older gentleman outside the door to the (omnipresent) adjoining bar. He was thin and frail - perhaps pushing the high side of 75 years old - and dressed in a pair of robin egg blue shorts, an off-white golf polo (tucked in... of course,) high brown socks, tan tennis shoes, and what can only be described as a "jaunty chapeau." The jaunty chapeau was brown. And it became apparent that he was chapeau-deep in the severe throes of a gravity attack. Time slows as he first fights the deck of a violently pitching ship to the right, and then speeds a bit as he goes left. Me, I'm quickening my pace and reaching out my arms... saying something like, "Whoa... dude!" But I don't remember what I said exactly. Anyhow, gravity bested its opponent before I could get to him, and he hit the deck with a lilting thud. It should be noted that lilting thuds rarely occur in the U.S., as they can only be properly executed by persons who don't weigh very much.
This is where my choice of college comes into play, oddly enough. If I had gone to study photojournalism, I would have snapped off a pic before attending to this gentleman's needs... but no, I had to go to college to learn how to drive ships - so I tossed my camera into the nearest flower bed and got on with helping the guy up. So by choosing my #2 option (boat drivin' college) instead of my #3 option (camera guy school) it is you (my dear reader) that misses out on the pic. Sorry about that.
After doing the cursory health check (Can you move your toes? Do you have a colostomy bag?) I helped the gentleman to his feet and inquired as to where he was off to. Shockingly, he was heading back into the bar attached to Mai Wah, and he just needed to find his wife. Remember what John said about Chinese restaurants, attached bars and revenue streams? It took him 30 seconds to get through the door I was holding open for him, and it would have taken longer if I wasn't holding him up by the arm. As he vanished through the saloon style doors into the bar, I turned to get back on track to fetch my #7 and a strange smile crept across my face. I had this keen sense of what I can only guess to be something like "pre-deja-vu" or "sub-deja-vu"... a knowing that something like this has never happened to me before, but a feeling that it sure as hell should have and it probably will again.
The Weigh-In: So here she is in all her glory, weighing in at 2 lbs. 9.2 ounces, I present to you (my dear reader) THE MAI WAH #7. Dah-dah-dummmm! Yes, #7s are "shes" - just like a boat.
My apologies for the crappy picture above. I thought you'd maybe be able to see the menu listing, but you can't... so the Mai Wah #7 comes with Pork Fried Rice, Sweet & Sour Chicken, Egg Foo Yung and Fried Shrimp.
The Good: Yup... so, moving along...
The Mediocre: Gotta say that I grant the shrimp a solid "mediocre." I suspect all shrimp from this point on will be labeled as mediocre. They all basically taste the same, which would mean that they all fall into the same category somewhere between awesome and awful, so if my high school Home-Ec teacher was grading this (yes, I took Home-Economics... great way to meet freshman girls if you're a senior guy) she'd ultimate grant a C - which is mediocre. The Sweet and Sour Chicken was mediocre as well. I won't wax poetically about it (you're welcome) but I will show you a picture of something that most closely resembles the color of the sauce.
Nuclear pink. The food shot didn't properly depict this color on my camera. You'll have to use your imagination. Make the chair melt, like a Dali painting, then put deep fried nondescript chicken chunks under it. That's a good start.
The sub-Mediocre, But Not Quite Awful: The Pork Fried Rice should have (again) been named Soy Sauce Rice. Rice, soy sauce, and a few flakes of pork thrown on top. I saw one or two globs of what was hopefully scrambled egg in there as well. Mmmmm.
The Awful: Yup... moving along...
Egg Foo WTF?: I'm not quite sure how to go about this one. To begin with, I'll draw your attention to the fact that it's actually listed below "Awful" which should give you some idea. To be fair, I've never actually had Egg Foo Yung before. All (I think) I know about Egg Foo Yung is that it was invented down in San Francisco during the gold rush days, and its instant popularity could somehow be considered the genesis of modern Chinese-American cuisine. History Channel RULES!!!
As far as I can tell, Egg Foo Yung is basically a Chinese-American garden burger covered in KFC gravy. It's somehow lighter than a garden burger, and a bit more spongy. The problem is that no matter how much scrutiny I applied, I couldn't make out a single ingredient.
You think this photo is blown out and out of focus, right? Let me assure you, it's not. No matter how hard I tried, my eyes couldn't get a grasp of this... and after six failed attempts to capture it on film, I feel confident in making the scientific observation that my camera couldn't focus on it either. Remember those "back in the day" high school physics books that showed a fuzzy something-er-other that was supposed to be an atom? They would have some perplexing caption below like, "We don't know what's in it... only what isn't." or "We can't say where it was... only where it wasn't." Well, the same goes for Egg Foo Yung at Mai Wah. It's just a roughly burger shaped and moderately massed miasma of something covered in gravy. It's so freaky that even the guy on the TV in the background is lost...
Don't get me wrong - I ate it. And then I got out a spoon and scraped the rest of the KFC gravy out of the damn box. I love that shit.
Mai Wah #7
Items: Pork Fried Rice, Fried Shrimp, Sweet and Sour Chicken, Egg Foo YungCost: $9.15
Weight: 41.2 ounces
Cost per ounce: $ .22
Accoutrements: Red sauce and hot mustard mixed together, soy sauce x 2
Fortune: He who laughs at himself never runs out of things to laugh at (in bed)
Slightly less subjective score: 1-1/2 Stars.
No comments:
Post a Comment