That was the neon beacon drawing us merry drunken moths with the siren's promise. Hung Far Low was an alcohol filled womb, serving as both the starting and ending points of many a lost night. I don't recall ever eating there, but if I did I'm claiming my "born again virgin" rights. If Luann can do it on King of the Hill, then so can I.
As far as I know, Hung Far Low was never known for its food. It survived on two things - the name, and the strength of the drinks. Warren Miller is an outdoor filmmaker and author, primarily focusing on the skiing exploits of his self and others. He has a keen narrative voice and a wry sense of timing and delivery. While attending a live presentation of his latest book and movie at the Paramount Theatre back in the 8th grade, he described a particular ski run thus: “It started off about as steep as your kitchen wall, and got progressively steeper as you went downhill.” This is the most analogous thing I could think of when describing Hung Far Low’s drinks. Just substitute “stiff” for “steep” and “pure vodka” for “kitchen wall” and you get the idea.
Anyhow, the sign remains in old town, and was even restored to its former glory a few years back - but the iconic restaurant beneath the glow has long since moved out to 82nd Avenue in Southeast.
I was really debating on if I should come here at all, but the place came up in conversation with Carlos and Sarrah the night before - so it seemed like providence. I did however break down and cheat on one of my unwritten rules - which was to order the #7 cold, with no knowledge of its contents. I was so dodgy about going here that I had to look up the menu first. Imagine my surprise when I found that it contained no fewer than six items! Things may be looking up! THIS is what a #7 is all about!
It just doesn't get any more inviting than this folks! The only thing that would make it even remotely worse is to put it on the absolute shittiest corner on the strip - an aspiration which they have arguably achieved. There were patrons at three or four tables when I went inside to pick up my #7, and I would have shot a picture if I wasn't in fear standing out as the "fancy man with the magic cordless phone." No, I took my bag of stuff and got the hell out.
The bag felt heavy in my hand, and it scaled out to a whopping 3 lbs. 5.6 ounces. This is the biggest #7 to date - by far!
As you can see from the above shot, there were only four boxes for the promised six items. I was pretty bummed until I opened them up and realized that the pork, shrimp and egg roll were all cohabiting. 
Nothing really smelled offensive, so that was good. In fact the General Tso's Chicken actually smelled pretty good. I should have stopped there.
The Good: My golf clubs didn't get stolen from the parking lot.
The Mediocre: The Pork Fried Rice was OK. Obviously crafted by the hand of a minimalist, but at least it didn't fall into the category of Soy Sauce Rice, as many do. The Subgum Chicken Chow Mein was also OK. I don't know what Subgum means, but I'm thinking it translates to "not much chicken." But the standard assortment of vegetables weren't overcooked at least - and the sauce wasn't too salty or anything. I'll give it a pass.
The Bad: I really wanted to put the General Tso's Chicken into the Mediocre category, but alas I couldn't do it. When the General whips up a batch of chicken for me, I expect the breading to have a bit of crispness to it - and this was just shy of mushy. Unfortunate. I think they actually almost tried to make this dish good, as it had a lot of fresh garlic and ginger in the sauce. I guess you could say that I actually liked the flavor, but the texture of the chicken just blew.
The Abysmal: We had to create a new category for the rest. Lucky me! The four pieces of BBQ Pork looked and tasted like they were half way to becoming jerky. DRY. DRY. DRY. The shrimp that are always supposed to be in the mediocre category clearly didn't step up to the plate. To begin with, they didn't look like shrimp. They looked like tempura battered jellyfish or something. (sidenote: I actually really like jellyfish. If you haven't tried it, you should.) Upon eating, it was obvious that the grease in the deep fryer was desperately in need of freshening. On top of that, the batter had puffed up and away from the (presumed) shrimp inside, and had become soggy to boot. Horrid. Which brings us to the Spring Roll. Ah, the Spring Roll... Truth in advertising - it tasted like it had been soaking in grease since last spring. The ingredients inside were incomprehensible - just grease and mystery solids. Nasty. Bad. Disgusting.
Hung Far Low
Items: Pork Fried Rice, Subgum Chicken Chow Mein, BBQ Pork, Spring Roll, General Tso's Chicken, Fried Shrimp
Cost: $9.50
Weight: 53.6 ounces
Cost per Ounce: $.18
Accoutrements: 2 soy sauces, hot Mustard, red sauce, fortune cookie
Fortune:
Rating: A reluctant 1 star
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